Caution: Wet Floor.

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago

2012-01-29T21:51:00.000-06:00

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago.

You don’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen before.I couldn’t say “Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she’s got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she’s not a movie star…”

I couldn’t say that because you don’t look like Jane Fonda at all.

I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.

It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930’s New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn’t have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn’t listen to the radio.

They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.

Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer’s family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.

It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio “… the President of the United States… "

I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio….

And that’s how you look to me.

The end of NDJ, Nicki Minaj moments, and NOT freaking out

2012-01-29T18:48:00.005-06:00

Well, No Drink January is over and I still don't know how to juggle or use chopsticks and don't even have 100 miles logged yet. I'm nowhere near ready to run my 5k, let alone to do it in under 30 minutes. I didn't lose a lot of weight nor did I finish reading an entire book and my skin does not look extremely hydrated. However, I did accomplish not feeling like a complete alcoholic and I also got an iPhone. We'll call it even and just move on to February.

It is Sunday evening and I am not crying in my bathtub, I'm not sitting on the floor having a panic attack. This is the greatest gift this year has given me and I am so very grateful for it. I can get up and go to work and not worry that I'll have to go cry in my car after 30 minutes. I feel hopeful and that working hard might mean something again. I get to learn and use my brain and am treated like an adult. I could really do this, I could be happy and succesful.

The “Nicki Minaj moment,” which is basically any real life version of that line in Nicki Minaj’s song that goes “Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the eff I is” that in my mind loosely translates to, “YOU BEST BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS CRAZY ASS THING. BAM!” -@nicoleisbetter

We're doing this, we're really, really doing this.

So this is the new year...

2012-01-01T19:48:00.002-06:00

2011 was not a terrible year but it was not an easy year by any means. For the most part I just feel so, so lucky.

Here are my goals for 2012
1) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes (April 14, 2012)
2) Complete No Drink January (aka NDJ)
3) Learn to juggle
4) Learn to use chopsticks
5) Complete 1,000 miles in 2012

So this brings us to No Drink January. Some people call it Sober January. Anyway, I'm not drinking any alcohol during the month of January, except for my going away party on January 13th (MLK Weekend!). I am sort of concerned about how it's going to go because I am sure going to miss my wine. But I am excited about making positive choices and moving forward with my life.

Here we go!

Reverb11 Day 18

2011-12-23T21:19:00.002-06:00

Ordinary Sparkling MomentsReflect on the ordinary moments that bring you joy (e.g., the tea pot whistling, the sun setting). What moments would you like to relish in the coming year?

My cat curling up on me and purring after a long day.

Rainy days when I have nothing to do but watch a TV marathon.

The sound of my friends laughter particularly over a few bottles of wine and a plate of cheese.

Cards from my mother.

When the song I've been wanting to hear comes on the radio.

Thursday nights when we're all making dinner in the kitchen, drinking, getting ready for good tv night, making jokes, arguing about fantasy football.

Sunday nights when all my teams have won and I'm ready for a warm bath and wine and The Walking Dead.

Moments when I look at J and can't believe how fucking lucky I am.

The beep beep my work phone makes when I clock out at the end of the day.

Reverb11 Achieve Day 13

2011-12-20T22:29:00.002-06:00

Achieve: What do you hope to achieve next year? If you participated in Reverb10, did you achieve the things you wrote about last year? How did you accomplish that?

In 2012 I want to:

Run a 5k in less than 3o minutes
Juggle
Use chopsticks
Become a SG32 in Property
Complete No Drink January (minus MLK weekend)

Last year I only named 2 actual things I wanted to do: run a 10k & infuse my own vodka. I didn't do either of those. Right? That's how lame I was in 2011.

#Reverb11 Day 6

2011-12-09T08:09:00.009-06:00

(I'm doing #reverb11 prompts from several different #reverb11 sites, just picking my favorites.)

Prompt 6: Things: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…what were your favorite things that you discovered this year?

Here are my five new favorite things of 2011.

Charles Shaw Wine.

Why yes, I would like a whole case of two buck chuck for Christmas.

I've lost hours of my life picking out vacations I'll never take, food I'll never make, and outfits I'll never put together. It sounds lame now that I type it out, but you NEED to be on it.

Massages. No more needs to be said.

Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown

The Walking Dead

I know, I hate zombies. But this show is soooo good.

#Reverb11 5

2011-12-06T22:43:00.002-06:00

The Fifth Prompt: Describe 5 guilty pleasures aka 5 things I love that you probably don't or I probably shouldn't.

1) Leggings as pants. I know, I know. The horror. And the terribleness. But do you fucking know how comfortable I am as I sit there in my boots and side pony tail (see runners up) during the day? It's seriously amazing and I am going to keep on doing in 2012. And I don't care what you think they make my ass look like. In fact, you should probably buy me more tops I can wear over my leggings for Christmas. K, thanx.

2) Mr Riggins, my cat. He is named after either Tim Riggins (FNL) or John Riggins (Redskins), whichever makes you think I'm cooler. He is an asshole. And really fat. But wow, he's great at cuddling and making me feel awesome.

3) Fantasy football/The League. "Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I've worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire; I know all the sleepers; I have done the bye-week plug-ins—I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does."

4) Boxed wine. Oh yeah, boxowine. In the tub, on the couch, in a cup, by the pool, in the car, during all the TV shows, during the holidays (all of them), & uh pretty much any other time I want to be unclassy and drunk.

5) The Town. I have watched this movie two dozen or so times since January and it doesn't get old. "I just want you to know it's going to be me who tells you to fuck yourself."

Runners up: bacon and side ponytails.

#REVERB 11 Day 3

2011-12-04T19:54:00.004-06:00

Prompt 3: As you reflect back on the happenings of 2011, what were your high points and what were your low points? What do you notice as you look back on the year as a whole?

The Lows

There was this day back in early spring, late winter...when my sister called me from the hospital (I blogged about it so you can look it up if you want the whole story) but I was up all night because my bedroom flooded. My nightstand and pillows were ruined, just water everywhere coming through the floor. And my toilet was running. And I was just sitting there and felt like my life was up in a mess and I had nobody that I could call, no place to go, no comfort.

And this other day when I found out he had a girlfriend. But not from him telling me. And I sat in the bathtub all day convincing myself I was fine, convincing myself I knew it was coming, convincing myself I wasn't crushed.

And the worst & lowest of all the days was this first week of May. An ordinary day when I thought I was going to lose my job. That I'd be poor and homeless and have no job and no friends and no hope. I was sick to my stomach that whole week. It was a desperation I'd never felt before.

The Highs

End of July, I got my MBA. I'd worked so long and so hard for it. Two and a half years, $20,000, and a whole fucking lot of heart. Suck it accounting because I've got a masters degree.

This Thursday a few weeks ago when I finally go the call that I got the job I wanted. I haven't started it yet, but god damn, I am counting the days. I felt like the entire weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. That I finally, finally fucking did it.

And then him.

Year as a Whole

I realize I'm really lucky or really awesome. Maybe both.

It's December? Time to #Reverb11

2011-12-02T18:39:00.003-06:00

Can you believe it's that time again? I certainly can't. Didn't we just #reverb10?

Day 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you? If you did Reverb10 then bonus points for also re-posting your 2011 word from last year along with how you feel about that in retrospect.

After long contemplation, my word for this year is:

Awe. Just complete fucking awe. Up and down, over and over. I don't know, but I sit here this December in complete and total awe.

In 2012 I want my word to be epic. I want to do epic shit.

And my favorite part, last year my word I wanted for 2011 was love. I've some pretty awesome people in my life who I love with all my heart. And I found a guy who'd rather sleep on a wet a towel than let me sleep on the floor.

Sugar says it's all about gratitude

2011-11-25T20:59:00.004-06:00

I am grateful life beat me into submission, because that’s how I learned to fight with compassion instead of fury. I’m not broken, I’m bendable, and I can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are.

I don’t know what all I think about god but I think that music and good books and whatever it is that makes me feel like I’m part of something wonderful is sort of like whispers from god and I’m grateful for all of that.

I'm grateful that as life unfolds it has only got better. Not easier, but steadily more complex, difficult, interesting, meaningful and challenging. And most of all that I have been lucky enough to discover depths and layers of love I’d never even imagined, love that almost hurts.

I am grateful for how much I have fucked up. Before I fucked up, I thought I was a good person. I thought I was noble and pure. But over the course of years I fucked up. I mistook codependence for partnership. I mistook my craving to be needed and loved for altruism. I mistook the dependence I created in others for strength shared. I mistook my distance and withholding for self-sufficiency. But I fucked up, and I learned. Failure keeps me from the corrosive trap of certainty, and I am grateful for it.

I am most grateful for having the most amazing woman to be my mother. She is amazing and strong. I never had a moment when I doubted that I am loved by her and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful for my sister. My best friend. I am especially grateful for the strength she has been blessed with and the ability to find faith in herself that we all lose at times. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

And gratitude for my cat, who reminds me that laughter and naps, no matter how cliché, are still the best medicine.

I am grateful for experience itself, because it teaches two seemingly contradictory things. That I am vulnerable and fragile. That I am strong. Most of all, I am grateful for small voices that speak out into nights blanketed in darkness and say: you are enough, your life is enough, this world is enough, this moment is enough.

I am grateful for my friends, who are courageous and honest and loyal. I don’t think I could’ve wished for better ones. I am grateful for him and it just blows my mind, incredibly. I’m so thankful. For going against the crowd. For inspiration. For true emotion. For literature. For food. For simple things. For joy. For happily ever afters. For love. For life.

I’m thankful for laughter, the kind that makes your face hurt because it’s so true and full of joy. It’s honest.

I’m grateful that despite how ugly things get in this world, things have never gotten ugly enough to rob humanity of its spirit and its unflagging belief that we have it in us to be better.

In short: I’m grateful to feel grateful.

Reach down your pocket/Pull out some hope for me

2011-10-29T00:36:00.004-05:00

Oh, The Town.

"When someone endures an experience like this there are residual effects. You're going to be ok."

Am I? Because damn. But I hope, hope, hope. Please, pretty, please.

I'm begging, but please.

Sugar Says

2011-10-16T21:38:00.003-05:00

What the fuck?
Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it.

This is called intimacy. This is called fuck yes. Isn’t that cool? It is. It really is, pumpkin. It’s gratitude that you should be feeling. Reach for that gratitude. It’s located just a stretch beyond the “crazed fire” that’s burning in your head. Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.

Be brave enough to break your own heart. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

I know you know what it means to transcend, honey bun. But the thing about rising is we have to continue upward, the thing about going beyond is we have to keep going.

Love of mine, someday you will die

2011-10-04T21:57:00.003-05:00

We weren't meant to do this life alone, that's for sure.

It's easy to say you hate people, you hate everyone and that you want to spend the evening alone. In real life though, things are better with others. Lazy football sundays, concerts, and times when your car breaks down after a shitty day at work are all times when you need someone else. Those things aren't ok without someone else there. And that's ok.

It's totally ok to not want to be alone and to quit wanting what you don't really want.

It's nothing to cry about...

I've got the movies like Jagger aka that time I got my MBA on summer vacation

2011-08-01T21:17:00.003-05:00

I have had the last 5 days off work. I originally had 4 but then someone told me I was a lazy bitch so I took 5. Here’s the short version of what I did with time off: massage, shopping at the mall, pool, drinking, sex, study for final, lunch with friend, pool party, take final exam, obtain MBA, drinking, family visits, movie, Trader Joe’s, shopping, pool, lunch with coworkers, laundry, pool, drinks with bff, sex, Mad Men on Netflix Instant, sleep in the rain, lots of wine, pintrest, visit from out of town friend, day drinking, night drinking, dance party, too many text messages, Shark Week, and made amazing macaroni and cheese with pancetta by grating real cheese.

Life was amaze balls this week. Someone told me that I seem so happy.

So this.

Shark baby!

And she swears there's nothing wrong

2011-06-23T22:54:00.003-05:00

Here's sort of what my day is like:

8:50 AM: Roll into work
9:00 AM: Meeting with manager, suggest I want a new job, sad moment-Titanic Music
9:30 AM: Complain to @xCarling, Make one phone call returning one of 13 voicemails, stare at email, stare at claims screen, check career website, instant message coworkers
10:00 AM: Team Meeting, we write nice things about each other on paper. I'm told I "know how to work the system and am really FUN!" I feel disappointed.
11:00 AM: A customer is sad and getting dicked over. I feel bad and spend the next hour making it right. Some douche calls me and I get snotty.
11:30 PM: Send bitchy email for people to give me money for baby shower gift due a week ago
12:00 NOON Lunch at Panera with coworker. complain a lot. suggest new position in same company will solve all problems.
1:00 PM: Decide to get it together, work hard, make lots of calls. Suprisingly, don't get called a bitch.
1:30 PM: Continue trying to be bff with new cube mate. I ask how he's doing, he makes a motion of climbing up a ladder. I don't have the heart to tell him there's no end.
2:00 PM: Try to figure when the afternoon meeting is
2:30 PM: Meeting is now
3:00 PM: Instant message @xCarling, tell her about said meetings, complain about how much work I have to do.
3:30 PM: Listen to 16 voicemails
4:00 PM: Call Danielle & Trudy. They are cranky.
4:15 PM: Call Ty & Pam. They are crazy and loud. I get snotty. They are lying to me.
4:30 PM: Calculate how late I stay at work for the day
5:00 PM: Work on behavior review to convince management I'm awesome.
5:30 PM: Chat with coworker, agree that new positions would be way better.
5:36 PM: Give up and leave

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching

2011-06-15T21:30:00.005-05:00

Episode 11: Superpower

They build the interstate. Sometimes I could walk home faster than the traffic on the interstate moves. Bill Maher says this means nothing can stop you from doing what you want. Every day I drive on I-35 southbound I want to blow right past my work exit and drive until I reach Texas. But I can't because I can't do whatever I want. This is probably the most important lesson to learn in your early 20s.

They develop the suburbs. Some major says "at the end of the day I want to go home and drink a beer and watch football and bbq in my backyard and celebrate the 4th of July." That's really what I want from my life too.

Segregation happens. And then it doesn't. I think of Remember the Titans.

Sort of confused on why we aren't talking about JFK or MLK.

I drank a lot of vodka & wine in this episode.

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching Part Three

2011-06-13T23:02:00.006-05:00

Episode Ten: World War Two

Pearl Harbor. Not the movie with Ben Affleck & Josh Hartnett (Wasn't Kate so lucky?) But in real life we are all "Fuck the Japanese!" Except here it's not funny. Because it's closer to home. Pearl Harbor hit hard. And D-Day happened. Women were awesome and worked hard. Shit wasn't easy. And there aren't really any jokes to make. My mom took me to see Saving Private Ryan when I was 10. My mom made me close my eyes for the first 10 minutes. Oh also, I'm drinking Riesling.

Atomic Bomb.

The Japanese surrender. Do you think in Japan they have movies like "Hiroshima" that involve asian Ben Affleck and a love triangle? It's an interesting thought. This show skips right over any ethical dilemma about dropping BOTH bombs and moves right on into us celebrating and the war ending with us making more money and of course, the baby boom. Sure we became a superpower, but at what cost?

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching (Part Dos)

2011-06-12T22:09:00.005-05:00

We're still going on this nonsense journey.

Episode Eight: Boom

America finds oil. And we all know, oil=awesomeoness=$$$. America basically gets rich and wants to party. Just like I'm finishing up a glass of vodka & diet dr pepper. Henry Ford makes some cars. People yell "woah!" instead of mother fucking braking, thus inventing the car accident, and making my current life both possible & shitty. Thanks H.F., this one is for you (finish vodka, pour Riesling)! People now have money & time, so what are they going to do? Drink. But America says fuck that. Prohibition time. Drinking is not ok. People say fuck that, I'll hide it in my car. This is the same logic I applied when I was in high school. I got an MIP. People in the 20's got arrested. But people back then were more bad ass about it. They got guns and started shooting shit up. The goverment solidified its place as worthless because because people are getting shot up in the streets and they can't do anything but investigate tax invasion. It's like now when people are murderers but all they do is search for people not wearing seatbelts. Anyway, insert shit on Al Capone here. I want to be like "America, listen up, shit's about to get real up in here for the next 20 some years so you should probably have a keg party right about now." At least they repealed prohibition. As Bill Maher says, "People NEED a drink."

Right about here I got pissed we didn't talk about Titanic but in reality, it makes sense. I mean, that boat didn't make it to America. (You can take an extra drink here for Jack).

Episode Nine: Bust

I fucking told you shit's about to get real. Let's get another glass of wine for this one. We've got Tom motherfucking Brokaw talking about savings. The Bank=Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life." The Hoover Dam is brilliant apparently. I've never seen it. Tom Brokaw says the damn is the shit. I say "I miss Peter Jennings." Las Vegas becomes awesome. At this point, I'm kind of concerned about America as a whole. Basically the past 50 years all we've had to talk about is partying. Not that it's a bad thing, but when we want to talk about why we have crazy troubles, I want us to remember this. 1934=The environment goes to shit=awesome CGI. But basically, this means we are fucked. Then hints of news internationally "will change America forever." We say fuck that shit and build Mt. Rushmore. Tom Brokaw says it's a statment. I say pour me another glass of wine because we've got a triple crisis happening and we are ignoring all of it. In case you aren't paying attention, we've got depression, dust, & potential war. FYI: In 30,000 years Mt. Rushmore will be just rocks due to weathering.

I'm like wtf, what about World War I? But oh yeah, we weren't even in that War. We were partying.

Rev. Al Sharpton thinks we are missing the most important event of the depression decade. He says it's Joe Louis vs. Schmeling. It's confusing because at this point in history America doesn't give black people any rights and they hate Germany so I don't know, but we are still like "Fuck yeah! Beat his face!"

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching

2011-06-12T20:46:00.007-05:00

I decided to watch America: The Story of Us on Netflix Instant while drinking. Carling, who you can follow at @xCarling, suggested I blog about it. We always have the best ideas.

(please note that I did not watch all these episodes back to back, nor did I die of alcohol poisoning)

Episode One: Rebels

I'm immediately engrossed. Awesome computer graphics, mentions of Pocahontas, and I'm a couple glasses of Shiraz in. Also we find the deep seeded roots of America fucking over other ethnicities for profit. But more so, there's the thinking that that's patriotic. So I'm all "Fuck yeah, grow that tobacco wherever you want! Fuck those people who owned this land first! Also, more Shiraz!"

Episode Two: Revolution

Taxes? Being bossy? Eh, we're over it. "Fuck England! Fuck taxes! Fuck this tea! More Shiraz!" Also, George Washington is a baller. He totally rocks out Valley Forge in the winter. Did you know he basically started mainstreaming vaccinations but in a totally gross way that involves chopping off someone's smallpox and rubbing it in your battle wound? Gross, but genius. This is how he won. I mean, he won because he's a genius, not because he's gross. He also wore cool hats.

Episode Three: Westward

Oregon Trail. Sorry you are about to lose the next like 15 hours of your life playing that game. But it's basically this. Also, this cute little husband and wife had a baby in a wagon. But then the next day 5 feet of snow fell and the husband had to eat the baby and wife. They don't have that option on the game. Also gold & The Alamo. And Shiraz.

Episode Four: Division

Did you know slavery was on the decline in the south before the cotton gin? After the cotton gin the south become Gone With the Wind (part 1). Abe Lincoln kept a file in his desk called "Assasination" before he was even elected. Also whales played a huge role in our country. The same way Shiraz is playing a role in my life.

Episode Five: Civil War

You know this one. North vs. South. Turns out Abe Lincoln knows how to be a baller and use the railroad. Lots of blood & death. Also a lot of opportunity to say phrases like "a country divided" and "brother against brother." Abe & the north win out. Sheryl Crow calls this "a dark spot in our history." Clearly, nobody was soaking up the sun here. Think of this as Gone With the Wind part 2. Also I'm drinking Riesling now.

Episode Six: Heartland

As soon as the title comes up, I push pause and play George Strait's "Heartland." I pour another glass of Riesling. I finish it while singing to my cat "Sing a song about the heartland, sing a song about my life." Then I pour a glass of vodka and sit the fuck down. This is basically Little House on the Prairie. There was a scary tornado scene & a lot of bison. Also, sod houses. (We also glaze over the fact that at this point we are totally fucking over the Native Americans. We're getting less excited about fucking other people over. It's just not PC. See also Custer's Last Stand.)

At this point we've got some common themes. The narrator enjoys saying things about change such as "America was changed forever" and "This changed everything."

Episode Seven: Cities

People realize the country kind of sucks. You know, with the Native Americans & having to do everything themselves. So they decided to fuck the Heartland, build some tall ass buildings, and find ways to get Chinese food at 3 am. (Just kidding about the last part, that's later.) Anyway, they build some tall buildings and then of course decide to be criminals. This is how mug shots got invented. Also there was a bitching fire in which a bunch of people died. I went to get more vodka & popcorn and when I came back some guys in white suits were sweeping shit off the streets. They said stuff got sanitary. Also, it took 25 years for the Statue of Liberty to turn green. That's an awesome fact. You are welcome.

I think we are missing some big times here. When did stuff like phones & electricity happen? We're sort of skimming over some big events for the sake of minor stuff like bad weather & sod houses. But whatevs, I didn't make America.

Who wants another glass?

The ties that bind

2011-04-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't go to see the city I went to see it around you.

And that's so true. I was looking for happiness more than a tourist shot. I wanted to figure this out. All of it. Instead we watched too many episodes of Intervention and I've never felt so much anxiety. But then too much time passes and now I feel awkward and sad and have no idea how you, or your new girlfriend, feel. I look back on that time with fondness and often wonder how that all happened. It's a good story, well, for everyone but me.

In unrelated news, this weekend was hard. I'll probably never forget that 6 a.m. text that said "please call me, i need help." My phone was on vibrate but woke me up, of course I called immediately. "I'm in the hospital and I don't know how I got here or what happened." Panic set in and then relief, simply because you were ok enough to make a phone call. And as the day went on and the details unfolded, I felt every emotion a big sister could feel. I was angry at how high your BAC was & how you went to a frat party with idiot girls. I was furious at whatever frat douche canoe asshole decided to slip GHB into your drink. It broke my heart when I had to ask if you'd been raped. I laid there in my bedroom, which had flooded last night and kept me up until 2 a.m., so thankful you were fine but so disheartened of what happened. I wanted you to be 3 years old again and take your hand because you were too scared of the slide. But now I'm hundreds of miles away and begging you to call our mom. And as much as I want to be angry, so angry at you. I can't be. The things I see in you that I'm most angry at, those are things I see in myself. I never ended up in a hospital, but I sure had my own nights that led to mornings of how the hell did I get here? But, damn. I couldn't imagine. I still can't. But the relief, the relief that you are okay.

The Opposite of the Chyrsler 200 Commercial

2011-04-13T20:59:00.002-05:00

My job is hard. Not in the way that the actual act of doing the job is hard, because it's not. It's not at all. You drove drunk and sideswiped a car, you are at fault. Your car was hit while parked, you aren't at fault. Simple. It's being busy because all the time because people are awful drivers. It's being called a blind jackass or a worthless bitch by the driver of that 1999 Dodge Neon who didn't call the police after an accident or carry collision coverage. For the former, I'm just tired. Tired of working 7 am until 6 pm. Tired of working Saturday, the best of all the days. For the latter, I'm sad. I just don't like being yelled at. I don't want to be called those names and screamed at and hung up on. I'm just a girl in a cube in Kansas working long days. The days, the weeks, the months, they blend. I don't know if it's February and we're working on your 2002 Honda Civic rear ending or if it's April and we're talking about your 2004 Ford Focus failure to yield.

P.S. Mazdas & Pontiacs are rarely in my wrecks.

Bullshit Monday

2011-04-11T22:12:00.003-05:00

Find yourself one day unexplainably really happy – but not extremely happy, and find yourself one day unexplainably really fucking depressed, but not that fucking depressed. In turn, just find everything completely predictable and safe – nothing can happen outside the structure you’ve come to understand, and let this depress you greatly, and let it be the source of your motivation and happiness. @thoughtcatalog

To me, this is life.

I'm not meant for you and you're not meant for me

2011-02-18T22:19:00.009-06:00

Tomorrow night I have a first date. But tonight I'm crying. For some reason, Facebook sent me our message history. Messages from 5 years ago. Back in 2006 when you had an ex-girlfriend you desperately wanted back and I wanted to start something with someone new. 5 years later and those people still fuck us up. 5 years and we're still talking.

My friends won't listen anymore. They're done with it. They say "He's an asshole, move on, you can do better." But to me I can't. I can't do better than you.

You are a god in my eyes. I close my eyes and think of your chest and can't imagine ever wanting someone else the way I want you. I spend my days convincing myself that we're friends. Very Callie & Mark from Grey's. Except minus the lesbianism & the baby. But we're more George & Meredith from Grey's. Except I'm George, but plus the Meredith tears.

But you don't feel the same.

So I'll go on this date, but I know when I go home I'll have a text from you.

And I'll respond.

And I'll try to say something witty. Or maybe you'll insult me. Or maybe both.

And then he'll text. Saying he had a great time and loved my eyes and my stories about my cat and work. And in reality, that's pretty much perfect.

But I'll blow him off. And probably text you "where have all the good guys gone?" And you'll say "I saw that girl tonight, the one I dated, I'm freaking out." And then we'll get drunk on vodka and probably text "Throbbing cock" / "Wet pussy" to each other.

And I'll wake up and go to work and so will you. And nothing will be different.

Except everyone's heart is broken.

I wanna wake up where you are/I won't say anything at all

2011-02-07T20:38:00.010-06:00

There's that way I feel when I wake up in your bed. My eyes crack open and I see that it's daytime. I feel my bare skin against the sheets. I breathe in deeply. It smells simple and clean, like recently done laundry. I roll over to the right, because I always sleep on the left, and see you. I want to trace the lines of your body with my fingers. But I close my eyes instead. I always imagine that this will be the last time I see you. The last time I touch you. It's this sinking feeling that I feel every time. You always get out of bed first. But not this time. This time I opened my eyes, looked at your back, and sat up. I want to pull you close and kiss you and hear you say "see you soon!"

But you don't. And so I won't.

Snow, work, and fake shovels

2011-02-02T19:38:00.005-06:00

In case you live somewhere warm and sunny, this is what the rest of the country has been dealing with.

And snow like that makes me think I should have been a teacher. Or chosen any type of job that doesn't get worse when you don't go combined with weather like this. So Tuesday I was driving to work and lost control of my car blah blah so I made an adult snow day. I watched stupid tv, ate girl scout cookies, and got drunk by 5 p.m. But then today I was all, ugh, seriously time to dig out and go to work like a real adult. But I'm not a farmer or construction worker so I don't own a shovel. So I spent an hour digging my car out with this:

And then I went to work and had 42 voicemails. From people in Florida saying "Bitch you better call me back, I've called you 4 times today, this scratch on my car has to be fixed ASAP."

Then to top it all off, I get home at 7 p.m. and then realize my face is red. And rashy. And gross. And at first I'm like what kind of face disease do I have?! But then I was like maybe this from an hour of laundry basket snow scooping at 8 a.m. in 4 degree weather. Maybe.

Is it too late to be a teacher? Also, as I drove out of my apartment I saw a guy shoveling with a pizza pan. I wonder what his face looks like.

The Town, The Past, And Feeling Way Too Much

2011-01-18T21:18:00.003-06:00

This weekend the past was way too in my face. The weekend basically went "boy, booze, more booze, talking, crying, boy, apologize, booze, best friend, boy, other boy, more booze, lots more booze, embarrassing text messages, other boy, crying, apologize, booze, more booze, trying not to cry, The Town, more booze, boy, best friend, booze, more booze with boy & other boy, goodbyes, trying not to cry but still crying a little, booze, more booze with best friend, The Town." If you think that sounds like a disaster then you should know that it was.

So I need a new plan. I need to put the past away, put down the vodka, and feel.

http://twitter.com/stratejoy
15. Don’t be afraid to love with abandon. Love is a renewable resource and yes, your heart is resilient.
1. Practice radical acceptance towards yourself and others

"...I just want you to know that it's gonna be me who tells you to fuck yourself." -The Town

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last

2010-12-31T11:02:00.005-06:00

I hate New Year's. I always have and I probably always will. It is my least favorite holiday.

There I said it. I think it's way too hyped up. Maybe I hype it up. I feel like there's pressure for there to be some deep reflection on the past year and a profound change for the upcoming year. I feel like there's pressure for the night to be some sort of magical champagne firework glitter explosion.

However, a year ago on this night my life did start completely changing. So I can't act this day hasn't held meaning. Although I will say that I thought things from that night would turn out differently but that's probably another story. Reflecting back I'm still grateful (see my Reverb Healing post). And my life truly is completely different than it was a year ago. I live in a different apartment in a different city with a different job and different friends and I'd even say that I'm different too.

So this year I'm going to stop feeling like this night has to be something it's not. And I'll stop trying to force change that doesn't want to come tomorrow. Maybe I'll just be greatful.

Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

#REVERB10 Day 25 PHOTO

2010-12-26T21:35:00.002-06:00

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. This photo was taken in spring. I'm tan and happy and wearing a shirt with a funny story behind. To me this photo captures the best of my year. It captures a night that I had an amazing time with fun people. It was taken in the apartment above the one I lived in, in a city I no longer call home. This picture captures who I was, but a feeling I want to get back to.

#REVERB10 Everythings gonna be alright

2010-12-26T21:22:00.001-06:00

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I hadn't seen my college best friend for 2 years. We'd hardly talked despite huge events happening in our lives over two years. She'd broken off an engagement and I'd graduated college. We both happened to move to the same city and made plans for dinner and drinks one day in early summer. I didn't know how it would be and was nervous we'd have nothing in common anymore. We ended up talking for well over 4 hours, sharing everything that'd happened in the past 2 years...the joys, the sorrows, the changes.

And not just her, but I reconnected with several people from the past over the past year and for me, that feels like everything might be alright. That there's always a chance to reconnect. To find things that once were again.

#Reverb21 Letter to self

2010-12-21T23:13:00.001-06:00

Dear 2015 Melissa,
I hope you are healthy and well, first and foremost. But more than anything I hope you are happy. I hope you have discovered what true happiness is and how to get there. I wonder all sorts of things about you. I wonder if you are still at the same company and if you still know the same coworkers. Hell, I wonder if you still live in the same city. I wonder if you are in a relationship.
I hope that you are still strong and brave. I hope that you've become more confident. I bet you are pretty awesome so start acting like it. Quit letting people treat you like shit. Seriously. I hope nothing horrific has happened to you. I hope you've traveled and learned new things. I hope you've learned to cook, bought a headboard, and paid off your credit cards. Which is to say, I hope you've grown up and settled into becoming a grown as woman.
More than anything, I just hope you are very, very happy.
Sincerely,
2010 Melissa

___________________________________________________
Dear 2000 Melissa,
First and foremost, congrats on recently surviving your parents divorce and a move to a new state. Make yourself comfortable in Bethany, it's where you'll stay until you graduate. High school is hard. But you'll make it through. You should take driver's ed.
You shouldn't have drank so much in high school. And more importantly, always, always, always put alcohol in the trunk and not the backseat. Forget about the little things. In ten years you won't remember cheerleading or dancing or much else that you think is so important these days. Yes, by your senior year, you'll be captain of the cheerleading squad. A year later you'll forget it ever happened.
I still don't know if you picked the *right* college. But what's important is that you make your choice for the right reasons. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Have confidence.
Keep your pants on. I know you think I'm lecturing, but seriously, keep them on. You will create mess, after mess, for yourself from 2005 to the present by taking them off. So do us both a favor and keep them on. Also you should know that the boy you have your first kiss with ends up getting married way young to someone very unattractive and is a manager at a general store. At your 5 year high school reunion he will tell you that you have a better life. And it's true. So get over that.
Your high school boyfriend will break your heart. And so will a dozen other boys. Just a fair warning. But don't be afraid, you are going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot as well.
And don't worry about your family either. Your mom has her master's degree now! And your siblings? Your sister follows your footsteps and is a college freshman in 2010. And your brother is a high school graduate and has a job. It's really amazing and you could not be more proud. Something really tragic happens to your family in 2004, but you will survive and like always, life moves on.
I know the world feels small right now. But you are going to have some amazing adventures. Trust me and enjoy the ride.
Love,
2010 Melissa

P.S. Don't make your hair so blonde and straighten your hair before senior pictures. Your class ring is your top drawer. You have a college degree and a good job.

#Reverb19 Healing

2010-12-19T17:45:00.001-06:00

It was sometime in mid-fall, late October or early November perhaps, and I was sitting across from my best friend when I realized what had happened. I told her, "He saved me when I couldn't save myself." He came into my life on New Year's Day and by Martin Luther King my life was already completely different. He made me become decisive and muster up some confidence. He taught me that it is ok to fail and to be unapologetic for being awesome. But more than anything, he made me stronger, out of necessity. At the beginning of 2010, I wasn't ready to be the person I needed and wanted to be and I would have never guessed that he'd be such a huge part of my year and that transformation, but I am grateful. He truly did pull me out when I wasn't ready to do it on my own.
In 2011, I need to be healed from him.

#Reverb10 Day 17 Lesson Learned

2010-12-19T17:24:00.001-06:00

The greatest lesson I learned this year, and possibly ever, is to listen to myself. I know that might sound obvious and simple but it isn't always, at least not to me. I have spent the majority of my life doing whatever I am "supposed" to do. Or sometimes what other people want me to do. And I've misplaced that into thinking those are things I want. So when I had to leave college and build an adult life, I accepted that same path. I accepted a job in finance that I didn't want because other people said it was a great opportunity in a city I didn't want to live in because other people said it'd be fun. I was in a relatiotship that had lasted almost two years that I'd outgrown but stayed in because a relationship is what you're supposed to be in at my age. Then in January I realized that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. And none of the things I was planning on doing where going to make me happy. I declined the job. Chose a job that I love in a city that I love. Left the relationship and began searching for someone that would make me happy and am learning to be content with myself. The lesson is that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

#Reverb10 15: 5 Minutes

2010-12-15T22:25:00.000-06:00

When I read this I immediately thought I need to remember everything! But then I realized, it could be sort of a gift. A gift to be able to forget some of those awful moments. I'd remember the trips-to Jamaica & Chicago. That feeling I get where the whole world is possible . I'd remember the closeness I felt with my best friends. That feeling I get when someone totally gets me. I'd remember the changing of the relationship with my mom. The process of becoming friends, but still needing her as my mom. As hard as it was, I'd remember the drive away from my college. I had my entire life packed up in my car, got a full tank of gas, and swore to myself I wouldn't cry as I drove two hours away from everything I'd known as home for the past 5 years. I'd want to keep the ends of college. The times during the last week when I knew it was my last Tuesday wing night or my last night of dancing at the Outback. Those times when it truly was "the last" and "the end." I knew it at the time. And I wish I could have wrapped up those memories more.

But that's life isn't it? You can't relive the parts you want to hold on to and you can't forget the parts you want. That's what makes it living.

#REVERB10 DAY 13 ACTION

2010-12-14T20:45:00.003-06:00

Clearly, I've been slacking, I'll blame it on being sick.

My next step? I want to develop a passion for my life again. I want to do all those things I keep saying I want to do. So maybe that's a lot of little steps, but I want to start taking them. Taking steps forward, not back, like I feel like I keep doing.

I want to feel like I did in this moment, but moving forward.

REVERB#10 WISDOM

2010-12-11T19:19:00.001-06:00

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

#REVERB10 9 PARTY aka Stuff I don't remember

2010-12-09T21:59:00.006-06:00

Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Pics or it didn't happen

I jumped into my schools pond.

Drank on the beach in Jamaica.

MARDI GRAS

And my personal favorite for which I don't remember and there are no words

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter? REVERB#10 8

2010-12-08T23:16:00.004-06:00

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I'm a total mess. This blog is named after the mess I've made of my life. My cube buddy once said to me "I'm just amazed at what comes out of your mouth."

I've commited to just being myself. My ridiculous, life loving self. The me that is probably way too inappropriate, says ridiculous things, drinks too much, laughs too loud, believes too hard, and loves too much. I'm completely and totally imperfect. I feel like my life is pink glitter on black posterboard. Which is ridiculous. But I love the ridiculous. I embrace it. I don't think that makes me different. I don't think I light up other people. But I am who I am and that's that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U

REVERB10 Day 6 Make

2010-12-06T19:35:00.004-06:00

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

What did I make? A strong drink. What did I use? Vodka and diet coke. Is there something I want to make but need to clear some time for it? A life where I don't want to make a strong drink so often.

#REVERB10 DAY 5 LET IT GO

2010-12-05T17:04:00.002-06:00

I let a lot go. If you read my first #reverb10 post, a lot in my life has changed this past year. And while constructing this post I thought it'd be easy. But then I realized, I let go of most of that because I had to. The reason I let go of college life? I had to. That wasn't an active choice.

What I truly let go of was living the way I'm expected to. I gave up feeling pressured to stay in a relationship that clearly wasn't working and sought out clear passion. I let go of feeling like I needed to get an A in every MBA class. I didn't care about this degree in general, so I let go of feeling like I needed to continue pursuing it to the point of losing myself. I let go of needing my life to fit in a perfect black and white box. I decided to wake up and daily make the choice to live my life the way I want to. I make the choice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q

REVERB 4 WONDER

2010-12-04T22:40:00.003-06:00

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

To me the greatest sense of wonder is exploration. I did 3 things in 2010 that to me truly created a sense of wonder where I put myself in a new place, in a new situation. First, I went to Jamaica. I got a passport and flew to my first foreign country sans parents. I sat on the beach, drank on the beach, watched the sun rise (and set) on the beach. What could truly be more wonderful than that?

Moving. Moving from my small town life to the city. To a city where every time I drive around the bend that reveals the city I still feel a sense of a wonder, months later. A city where I feel like I can always have an adventure, by going somehwere new. Where I can always find something, someone new.

By flying to Chicago to rediscover something old. A city I visited post high school, but a city that looked completely different post college. To visit a man that I knew post high school, but who was completely different to me post college. It was all about rediscovery.

Creating a sense of wonder in life is all about something adventerous, something new, and rediscovering something old.

REVERB10 DAY 1

2010-12-02T21:29:00.002-06:00

Change. I didn't have to think twice about that. Last December I was in a relationship and in school and a graduate assistant. I had no plan for a future--no future job and no future plans. Just a ticking clock counting down my last semester of graduate school, my last four months of graduate school. I had no guidance, no plans. I was quite literally flying by the seat of my pants. This past year...I failed a class for the first time, Cheated on my boyfriend, Broke up with my boyfriend, Got a passport, Flew to Jamaica, Got a "big girl" job, Got a "big girl" apartment, Became friends with my old best friend again, Lost friends, Got my heart broken, Flew 500 miles to rekindle things with the one man I've loved for 5 years, Got my heart broken again, Went through work struggles, Went through work triumphs, Struggled with being a single 20 something who lives alone and works in a cube, Fish of five years died, Got a kitten, Started a blog, Sat next to somoene for 40 hours a week for 6 months and got to truly know them, Got moved away from the one person who made working in a cube bearable, Felt daily gratitude, Felt daily mourning. Everything about this year has changed. Nothing is the same. Change. 2010 is completely about change.

In 2011? Love. I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. But besides that obvious part, I want to feel love in every aspect of my life. I want to feel love in every way. I want to love my job passionately. I want to continue loving my family. I want to love all the people who are a part of my life. I want to wake up a year from now and just feel encompassed in love. It's a long shot.

But here's to it.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...except, that's not true at all.

2010-05-18T19:10:00.002-05:00

I've waited awhile to post this because I wasn't sure what I was going to say. If I'd posted three weeks ago I would have said how excited I was to move into my new apartment in the city and do all sorts of exciting things. Two weeks I would have posted that I couldn't stop crying or being sad and missing all sorts of thing I'd never thought I'd miss. Last week I would have said I was adjusting and that I was looking forward to starting work. Today I would say that I can't believe college is over, the party is over. I'm in the real world. The world where I wake up at 6 am, make coffee, check traffic, commute, work until 5, commute, and then realize I'm completely exhausted and can't function but still need to consider which health insurance plan I'm going to pick.

You know that Chuck Palahniuk quote about feeling like you rushed through the moments when you should have been paying attention? That's kind of how I feel about the past 5 years. Not that I'm sad. Because I feel like the future has a lot to offer and I'm eager and excited to experience all of it.

This one semester when I went to the edge of the crazy ledge and back...

2010-04-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

I left school for Christmas break in mid-December with a good feeling. I’d ended the semester with a 3.5 GPA and had 3 weeks off before beginning my last semester of graduate school. I even had two pretty difficult to get things: I had a boyfriend of over a year and had lined up a job in October for after graduation. Things were going great.

Fast forward to shortly after New Year’s. The first thing that started to slip was my relationship. We didn’t speak on Christmas and didn’t spend New Year’s together. A breakup that didn’t go smoothly or easily, but felt like a breath of fresh air.

Then there was the freak out about the job. The job I’d accepted suddenly seemed like it would suffocate me. I sent a freak out e-mail turning the job down. Then I was faced with the possibility that I might have to move in with my mom and work at my high school job. This was a major step toward the crazy ledge.

Then came the problems with Accounting. I’d avoided this class until my very last semester and for some reason this class made me realize that I’d made a huge mistake by picking this graduate program. As much as I wanted to graduate, the horribleness of this class overcame me. This midterm and my MBA capstone course midterm fell back to back in the beginning of March. I miserably failed my accounting midterm. And I learned that talking about failing and really getting an F are two very different feelings. The second pushed me closer to the crazy ledge.

Then I got really sick in February. I visited the doctor four times that month, once after passing out in the shower. I started missing several days of work. My boss was angry. Things at work got tense. And crazy. One more step to the crazy ledge. To the point that one morning a text from work sent me into such a crying fit that I was sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor.

Then one day I woke up and it was April 23, 2010. It was my last day of work. School was done. I’d found a new job. I’d found an apartment. I had great friends. It suddenly felt like even though I was entering the unknown and the scary, it might really all be ok. That maybe I really had gone to the crazy ledge and made it back to talk about it.

This one time my friend got punched in the face

2010-04-20T15:12:00.000-05:00

Right by where I live there is a bar called The Outback. For those not from my small town in the middle of nowhere, The Outback is different from Outback Steakhouse. Otherwise you might be confused as to why we are wearing leggings as pants and taking shots before going to eat a Bloomin Onion. The Outback is the type of place where $8 will get you a never ending cup of booze and has a dance floor with cages. Obviously no good can come of this.

One Saturday night my friends Taryn (@tarynhill) and Brooke decided to head to The Outback, leggings on, ready to drink. At the end of a fun night we decided to head to the dance floor for one last dance. As we stumble through the crowd, I suddenly hear someone yell, “That bitch just stepped on my feet!” I turn to see an enormous black woman who was pissed. Taryn realizes that she accidently just stepped on the girl’s feet in her heels. Taryn, the nice girl that she is, turned to apologize. Woman pushes Taryn. Taryn says “Don’t push me while I’m trying to apologize.” What happened next happened fast.

Taryn got punched. Right in the face, the eye, to be specific. I instantly grab Taryn turn her around and move her off the dance floor. She’s holding the side of her face and crying, because she can’t fucking see, you know? Now in case you are wondering why I didn’t fight back, I’ll tell you. Taryn is 5’3” and I’m 5’5”. This woman and her friends were much taller and much larger than us. I definitely don’t have a desire to have my face smashed in. However, my little friend Brooke, who in heels still looks up at me, ran straight into that crowd of girls, arms swinging. I didn’t see what happened to her until the next day when I finally saw her black eye complete with a huge bandaged gash.

However, I did run to the bouncer and scream “Excuuuse me, my friend just got punched in the face!” And then to the cops, “Excuuuse me, my friend just got punched in the face!” Like hello people, do you see the crying girl holding her contact with her bloodshot eye? The cops assured her that there was no need to press charges because we’d been drinking and didn’t even know the bitch’s name. Taryn sits down on the bar step and is sobbing hysterically and keeps repeating “I don’t want anyone to see me with my makeup like this.” While her makeup was everywhere, that was not her only problem. Perhaps the problem was the broken blood vessel in her eye.

I took her back to my apartment while I proceeded to clean my kitchen.

This one time I got tired of dealing with stupid boys and didn't wear pants.

2010-04-13T01:08:00.000-05:00

I’ll just start by saying that there’s nothing wrong with sending the “want to fuck?” text. In fact, yes, if that’s all you want, just text that. If you don’t care how my day was or what I’m doing this weekend, then don’t ask. It will just get me thinking that maybe you do care about those things. Then I’ll think you might want to eat Chipotle, drink beer, and watch a baseball game with me. There’s clearly a line. And everyone needs to stick to one side or other. Either we’re just having sex or we’re dating. And I’m fine with either. I just need to know. You know, so I don’t do something extremely embarrassing, like text you in the middle of the afternoon and ask if you want to go eat wings with me.

“I wasn’t sure what was appropriate.”
“Appropriate? I’m not some waitress you banged in a snowstorm. That word has no place in our vocabulary. I’m the woman you don’t have to worry about.”
“Sounds like a trap.” –Up in the Air

I’m never appropriate. And today was no exception. It was a gorgeous day and a family needed a golf cart ride at work. I hop on the golf cart excited to drive around campus. After about two feet, it hit me. Duh, I’m totally wearing a skirt and it is flying up. So I pull it down and keep driving. Obviously, I feel so inappropriate that I have to tell people. But I’m an idiot and have 2 typos in the same sentence. First, I say I’m driving a gold cart. Which I’m clearly not doing because what kind of university in Missouri can afford gold carts? If there is one, I want to be there. The second type was of the actual word inappropriate. I spelled it “innaprorpriate.” And of course it got pointed out by someone who is totally cute. And then I was all, I should probably just get back to focusing on not showing my vagina to all of campus.

And this post should have totally been about why I’m spending all my time in the shower lately or how I had one of the most epic weekends of my life, both of which are much better stories than this.

Currently listening to: Pursuit of Happiness-Kid Cudi

This time I went to Jamaica but fell in love with a scene from Californication...

2010-03-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

This past week I was on spring break in Jamaica. It was absolutely amazing! We spent 5 days on the beach. If you've ever been on spring break/been to Jamaica/been on the beach/etc. you can understand how awesome this trip was. I definitely drank more than my liver can stand. Besides being an incredible experience, it was a relatively uneventful trip (as far as spring break trips go, that is). However, I was left with the *worst* case of the travel bug. I can't wait to schedule my next trip. Who wants to go somewhere totally awesome with me? Anyone?

Anyway, over at You'll Grow To Love Me (http://jennbollenbacher.com/blog/), She asked us to list 5 things we desire for ourselves in the next year. She put hers on her blog so they would be out in the universe. So here are mine:

1. Land my first big girl/real world/post-college job

2. Fall crazy, passionately in love

3. And have that love returned

4. Cross at least 2, but hopefully 3, things off my life list

5. Move :)

And in other news, I've become completely obsessed with the Letter to Karen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6mkeLJwnTY) from Californication. I'm such a freak but it really gets to me for some reason. It's gotten so bad that now everytime I hear the song "Nothingman" I get a little sad and a little bit of a heart flutter. (Don't judge me!) Can someone please right me a letter like this? Maybe?

So to sum up this post, I'm basically looking for someone who will travel with me, help me cross things off my life list, and write a "Letter to Melissa."

This one time I played in a quarters tournament to win a trip to Vegas with a guy named Dylan

2010-03-13T12:40:00.000-06:00

Katie likes to call me the devil. I more fondly like to think of her as my partner in crime. After a day of work in which we found that we were, in fact, not getting fired, we decided to celebrate. (Isn’t that mostly how these stories go?) I join Katie on a semi-date which involves her, the guy, the guy’s parents, and 2 of the guy’s friends. The guy has an amazing job in which allows him to buy other people beer. After three rounds of beer, Katie and I decide to buy the dad shots. Then all of us, parents included, head to the bar because apparently there is a quarters tournament in which you can win a free trip to Vegas.

Dylan ends up with me as his partner, which is unfortunate for him because I’m clearly horrible at anything in this arena. (2 drinks later) Dylan decides that I clearly need to practice. I throw about 3 quarters (which are really plastic poker chips) and then we all decide to head to another bar. The other bar is selling 40s for $4. For some unknown reason Katie and I think that we each need one. Fast forward an hour and we’ve lost track of time and our drinks and run back to the tournament. They’ve created a bracket and I see the first match. Our first opponent is this guy I kindasorta feel really awkward around for multiple reasons. Obviously, this sort of thing would happen in my life. But of course, I instantly want to kick his ass. I lose, because as it turns out, Dylan also sucks. So the two of us aren’t running off to Vegas anytime soon. However, he assures me that it’s totally fine that I sucked because I’m hot.

Katie also lost. Although I told her if she won the trip I’d be her maid of honor. Because, clearly, getting married is the only reason to go to Vegas. The other guy’s partner was his sorta girlfriend who is a stripper. Her name may have been Sapphire or Daisy or Candy. We still don’t know.

This night ends with me, pantless surrounded by Christmas lights, getting offered $10 to go to a dance party across the hall.

Because everyone else is doing it...

2010-03-10T19:32:00.000-06:00

Inspired by all the amazing bloggers I know, I've decided to start my own blog. I guess I should begin by clarifying that I'm wildly inappropriate and do not censor myself at all.

Last night I miserabley failed my managerial accounting midterm around 5 p.m. My dear friend, fellow grad student, and coworker Katie also failed. Together we joined forces to celebrate, ahem, I clearly mean grieve. Katie begins by asking me if we can do some stalking, but she doesn't want me to think she's crazy. Of course I say yes and who am I to judge anyone else for having a case of the crazies? We finish that up and spend 2 hours having beers and wings and we have to tell our server that we do not need our bills yet because yes, we will be drinking more.

And that was just the beginning of how the night was going. It ended with me sending out a mass text saying "I'm a hot mess."

As if everyone didn't already know.