Not growing up but growing into yourself/A list of things I do and don't GAF about

There's an upside to getting older. With getting older comes experience, the knowing what you want, and most importantly, what you don't, feeling more than just ok with yourself, at least once in awhile, and if you are very lucky, meeting people you want to hang onto for more than just right now.

It took seeing it right in front of my face in a more than apparent shitshow that this is so true and what's happened to me.  I am still a shocking wreck sometimes, but ya know, I'm kind of grown into myself, for better or worse.  And that's what I learned last weekend.

In other news here are few things I don't give a fuck about:
What your baby is doing, particulary related to potty training
How much money you have/are getting from your parents
Anything related to yogurt, Greek or regular
Your eating habits in general: how you don't eat meat, how you don't eat vegetables, how you don't eat gluten, how you don't eat sugar...ughzzzz
Your band
Instagram
Tumblr
Cleaning my apartment
Cooking

Here are some things I definitely do give a fuck about:
Gel manicures
Mi Ranchito
Solo cups
This weekend
GIRLS

Be brave enough to break your own heart

These are the decisions I'm actively making now. These things, day by day, are my becoming.

All those things I said I'd do when I was younger-move to Boston, get a tattoo, vacation in Europe, have a job that I'm passionate about, wake up in the morning without thinking "what the fuck are you doing," I'm not doing any of them.

But now I'm actively not doing them. I chose all these things. I'm still choosing them, day by day. These things are my choice. To stay in Kansas City, to pay off my debt and buy a bed rather than vacation, to stay at this job. I pick these things every day. I could wake up tomorrow and change it all if I wanted, but I don't. These are things I want.

But god damn, what I'd give for some guts to do it.

P.S. Dave Annabele in Brothers & Sisters in his Army uniform. You're welcome.

3 days, 288 ounces of juice

I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse from Blue Print Cleanse because I'm...insane.
I paid a shit ton of money to have 288 ounces of juice shipped to me. For 5 days before I started I had no caffeine or meat. 3 days before no dairy. 1 day before no alcohol. J said if this was my life we'd break up. I'd break up with myself.

I crack open the first juice around 9 am on day 1. After reading other blogs I was nervous for this green salad juice. But it was fantastic. It was crisp and fresh and tasted like an actual salad. Two hours later I had juice 2 which was a nice fruity pineapple apple mint juice. Juice 3 is actually just Juice 1 again. And then juice 4 is spicy lemonade. It was 5 pm and I was all "I'm so amazing and I've totally got this. I'll have the skinniez and never eat solid food again!" Then juice five...the beet carrot juice. Aka pure dirt shit. It was terrible. There are about twenty nine gross things I'd rather eat than drink this juice. But they promised juice 6 (cashew milk) was great and to hold on. But french fries. All I can think about are fried potatoes with salt and ketchup. But that sixth juice was like a cookie and that was ok.

I wake up on day 2 with a serious case of the skinniez. My stomach is the flatest it's ever been. Day 2 of juices is a breeze. I fly through the juice, workout, have a great day. I don't even miss food at this point.

Then I wake up on day 3. While I'm having an even better case of the skinniez I would punch you in the face for some solid food. I start to crave onions & fish. I miss chewing. I am so tired of drinking liquid. Between each of the juices you drink a glass of water. There is no point in the day where you aren't drinking something. My friend keeps talking about what we'll eat for dinner the next night. I tell him to fuck off. At 3 pm on a Friday afternoon I fall asleep for 2 hours because I'm angry, tired, and just so hungry. I blow off juice 5 and only manage to drink half of juice 6.

I finished the rest of juice 6 the next day and waited til our dinner to eat again. Where I had onions & salmon. Since the juice cleanse I eat onions or fish or both every single day. Isn't that disgusting? I don't know what's wrong with me. It was nice that it was all planned out and I felt so skinny. I'd definitely do it again though.

We gonna party like it's your birthday (because it is and i'm not too old to say that)

I'm 25 today.

I don't know, you tell me.

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago.

You don’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen before.I couldn’t say “Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she’s got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she’s not a movie star…”

I couldn’t say that because you don’t look like Jane Fonda at all.

I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.

It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930’s New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn’t have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn’t listen to the radio

They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.

Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer’s family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.

It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio “… the President of the United States… "

I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio….

And that’s how you look to me.

The end of NDJ, Nicki Minaj moments, and NOT freaking out

Well, No Drink January is over and I still don't know how to juggle or use chopsticks and don't even have 100 miles logged yet. I'm nowhere near ready to run my 5k, let alone to do it in under 30 minutes. I didn't lose a lot of weight nor did I finish reading an entire book and my skin does not look extremely hydrated. However, I did accomplish not feeling like a complete alcoholic and I also got an iPhone. We'll call it even and just move on to February.

It is Sunday evening and I am not crying in my bathtub, I'm not sitting on the floor having a panic attack. This is the greatest gift this year has given me and I am so very grateful for it. I can get up and go to work and not worry that I'll have to go cry in my car after 30 minutes. I feel hopeful and that working hard might mean something again. I get to learn and use my brain and am treated like an adult. I could really do this, I could be happy and succesful.

The “Nicki Minaj moment,” which is basically any real life version of that line in Nicki Minaj’s song that goes “Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the eff I is” that in my mind loosely translates to, “YOU BEST BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS CRAZY ASS THING. BAM!” -@nicoleisbetter

We're doing this, we're really, really doing this.

So this is the new year...

2011 was not a terrible year but it was not an easy year by any means. For the most part I just feel so, so lucky.

Here are my goals for 2012
1) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes (April 14, 2012)
2) Complete No Drink January (aka NDJ)
3) Learn to juggle
4) Learn to use chopsticks
5) Complete 1,000 miles in 2012

So this brings us to No Drink January. Some people call it Sober January. Anyway, I'm not drinking any alcohol during the month of January, except for my going away party on January 13th (MLK Weekend!). I am sort of concerned about how it's going to go because I am sure going to miss my wine. But I am excited about making positive choices and moving forward with my life.

Here we go!